It’s Not Always Pretty — My Journey Through The Thorns🌹

Many years ago I fell, like Alice, through the rabbit hole that is the wonderful dark world of kink. My landing was NOT graceful, and my first few steps had me bruised, and not in a fun way. I was young and impressionable, thinking that meeting people after one coffee meant that I knew them, and went along with encounters in seedy motels. Or eagerly jumping onto skype (yeah, before FaceTime) to video chat with Dom’s who appeared to be well versed.

Back then, I thought we all lurked in the shadows trying to keep hidden our dirty fantasies of power, humiliation, and sweet pain. Only to be expressed with one other person who met you in the back corner of a café, and sometimes did actions enforcing domination over me before saying consensually yes. I was so eager to play, and they were just as eager to move ahead without full negotiation. In plain terms, I was an easy target for abuse, and as a predator they knew it.

My VERY FIRST play session, a “Dom” (read predator) said to me, “You have your safe word, you’ve given me power over you, I choose what to do with you and use you how I want. You’ve given me trust. If you ever use your safe word, the session will end, and I will never play with you again because it means the trust is broken. We cannot come back from broken trust.”

Now, experienced kinksters and me now, look at that and cannot find a big enough red flag to start waving. I can hear the screams, gasps, and utters of “what the actual fuck.”

But back then, I was a new Submissive, eager to get a taste of what it feels like to have someone dominating me, sinking into a blissful feeling of not having to think or control what’s going on around me. I naively thought that some Dom was going to come into my life and fix all my problems, both in a play scene and out. (That's the real truth!)

This “Dom” and I only played a handful of times, before I ended things, on a gut feeling — THANK GODESS! But it was too late, this fear of safe wording had already sunk in deep and turned into a belief.

And because of that belief, it made me an unsafe Submissive to play with. (Hot take — if a Submissive cannot communicate their boundaries, or is afraid to say a safe word, they are not a safe person to play with. Doesn’t mean we can’t learn and grow and become safe play partners.)

Not to mention, the immense pressure I was putting on potential play partners to “fix” me. Save the damsel in distress. (Something that was not communicated outright, because it was subconscious, and yet it tainted all my early interactions. Further, play partners could not consent into that role either, but I played it out like it was there.)

I was lucky to meet two different Doms after. The first sat me down and set the record straight when it came to negotiation, before care, after care, communication, and safe words. The second held space and encouraged me to use them, breaking through the deep belief and rewiring it. He also held a mirror up to show me my strength and my subconscious want to be “fixed”, it was an ugly reflection.

Even after that, I still struggled and stumbled. Godess, I was a wreck so many times, and let people just take from me. I became just a shell, and walked away from the scene.

I don’t wish my early path on anyone.

During my time out of the scene, I researched the concepts of BDSM. I read messaging boards on Fetlife and Reddit, and dove into books. I continued to talk to the Dom/mes I trusted, and even started to reach out to other Submissives. I just couldn’t quench my thirst for knowledge of the kink world.

Another opportunity came forward during this time to start a deep journey into myself, and get to know HER. Through coaching, I got to know the power I hold, not only as a person, but started to apply it to being a Submissive. I learned my desires, boundaries and found my voice. I healed deep wounds, and learned there was nothing to “fix” in me. What I craved was vulnerability, to show someone who I am on all my levels — but what I really needed was self vulnerability, to love myself deeply, and honour my unique path and qualities.

When the kink scene came knocking on my door again, I stepped forward a more aligned version of myself, owning my power, knowing my boundaries, and rules around consent. What a fucking shift! I was met with other humans who showed up whole, and experienced my desires being fulfilled, and then expanded upon. The friendships I’ve created are deep, and incredibly healing. I learned that who I am is more than enough, and I’m the hero of my story. The power I have is a gift — and a fucking huge one at that — it’s magical to give that over to someone and surrender.

This took me years to do on my own. But if it weren’t for it, I would have never been recognized and asked to start teaching and coaching within the kink scene.

Because of my trials, I channeled it into creating a BDSM foundations class for Submissives (and soon to come, for Dom/mes.) The fears I faced became the Blueprint for The Embodied Submissive, 6 classes & personalized coaching for Submissives, to learn more about the foundations and to apply them in their unique way 😄.

Now you know the fuel behind why The Embodied Submissive was created, and the workshops that are provided.

A huge thank you to all those who continue to support me and this mission.